Thursday, 14 May 2009

Shine on you crazy diamond

We all go a little crazy now and then, send a txt message we know we’ll regret, hover on that myspace page that minute too long, search for that house on google earth that hour more than is healthy, but most of us do it in the relative privacy of our friends’ memory and our computer website history log.Spare a thought for our poor celebrity cousins whose every head in hands-should I really have done that moment is shared with millions, analysed, regurgitated, dissected, with all the glee of a sober person recalling a very drunken party, all for our entertainment. Did I really say that- yes, according to the cover of Heat, yes you did….Nursing a spectacular hangover at the moment is the Mr. Chest hair himself, David Hasselhoff. He may have saved lives and broken hearts in tight red speedos, he might have battled crime with a talking car, he may very well, as he suggested, have brought down the Berlin wall through the power of rock, but even The Hoff makes a bit of a numpty of himself at times. Two years ago a video emerged on the web of the “America’s got Talent” judge mumbling drunkenly into a burger on his bathroom floor as his daughter videoed the sad sight begging her Dad to sort himself out. David seems to be still reeling form the nasty divorce from his ex- wife and former Baywatch co-star Pamela Bach. The thing is, I feel personally involved because I remember vividly, flicking through my Granny’s Hello magazine and coming across their romantic Haiwian renewal of vows. Oh from what lofty heights! Pamela filed for divorce and briefly accused Hoff of domestic abuse. He responded with claims the only man who ever broke her nose was her plastic surgeon. Oh dear, they’d come along way from waterfalls and leias. Now, the Hoff has tumbled off the wagon again and was admitted into hospital this week with suspected alcohol poisoning. Oh, Hasselhoff, you crazy diamond, when is Kit when you need him?Also giving into the crazies in spectacular manner is our old pal Lindsey Lohan. Li- Lo split from her girlfriend Sam Ronson in a break up so nasty, she has been barred form attending any of the same parties as her DJ ex. Poor Freckles is turning to her old pals Annie Alcohol and Nancy Night clubs to get her through the split. Hands up who remembers any film after “Mean Girls” Skinny Minnie has actually made? These days her entire living is based around being a bit of a mess and sometimes being too thin. Tsk, I don’t remember those options at career day. Newly single, with no career or income, she seems to be deserted by the young Hollywood scene she was until recently queen of. A bit like Norma Desmond, I can imagine her reclined in a darkened room opining that it’s the tabloids that have got smaller. Paris Hilton doesn’t seem to be calling round to check up on her or Britney Spears hasn’t arrived with a tub of ice cream and a “Pretty Woman” DVD. Instead Li Lo rattles round Hollywood on her own, like the ghost of her former potential, or with her little sister in tow like two doomed little children. There should be some twelve step programme to help people cope with no longer being famous. A half way house they can life in for a bit, a skills programme where they can retrain. You’re used to careless driving, writing off cars and speeding to avoid paparazzi? Have you thought of a career in the ambulance service? So in this world of self destruction , victim hood and anger turned inward, it’s nice to see a celeb completely nuts but not going to take it any more. There was always something a bit weird about that perfect bob that never moved, more than a flicker of crazy in those glinting eyes, that perfect smile hid what we all suspected, the angry mind of a madwoman, put down the gun Pam Ewing, the games up. Actress Victoria Principal famous for playing the archetypal Southern Belle in “Dallas” has been arrested on gun charges. The brunette beauty is used to getting what she wants, she studied at RADA, found fame on the eighties soap and launched her own million dollar natural beauty system, despite having so much plastic surgery she looks a bit like a burns victim. So when her maid took too long walking her beloved Shih-Tzu and then had the nerve to ask for her wages what does Vicky do? Dejectedly pay up, reach for the bottle? Hit a nightclub with Lindsey? No, she calmly pulled her favourite pistol and threatened to shoot the poor woman. Don’t mess with Victoria is the message, not even her dog or she will injure you. She’s hoping the criminal proceedings won’t take too long as she’s training to take part in Richard Branson’s first Space Mission. That’s right, she threatens to shoot people and then flies to the moon. Completely, completely gloriously mad. No wonder Bobby stayed in the shower so long..

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