Thursday, 14 May 2009

Amanda Holden is all that is wrong with the world

The unthinkable has happened, no Lindsey Lohan hasn’t actually acted in a film, Brad and Angelina are rumoured to be splitting. Yes, our generation’s Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward but with more tattoos may be moving to Splitsville, population two, (but hopefully with fantastic childcare facilities).With Angelina rumoured to be cheating and Brad apparently drinking and flirting with his new co- star Natalie Portman; it is not looking good. Brangelina, the once majestic ship of all our romantic hopes and dreams seems to be sinking slowly beneath the waves of rumours and younger actresses. Their story reminds me, as tabloid gossip often does, of the work of medieval philosopher Boethius. His “Wheel of Fortune” warned of the capricity of happiness, one minute you’re at the top, pregnant, happy and smiling smugly on the red carpet for the cameras, the next minute you’re a single mother of six, alone with a cheating ex, trying to hide you face from the paparazzi, escaping down a rubbish strewn back alley, possibly with used syringes. Thus winds the wheel of tabloid fortune. Karma is a bitch, but it’s hard to sympathise with either pair in this sorry tale. Brad just seems like a shallow moron swept off his feet by the new cool girl at school and Angie seems too alpha female, too sexual, too bloody odd to identify with, like Anne Boleyn to Aniston’s Catherine of Aragon.You get the feeling if you were too nice to her she’d start humping your leg or something. Luckily even Hollywood movie star’s powers don’t extend just yet to those of Tudor Kings or the Tombraider could be in trouble. Even in Hollywood you can’t just kill off unwanted ex wives, unless you’re OJ Simpson that is…Maybe it’s just jealousy of course, a deeply unattractive emotion in anyone especially when it’s directed towards a three year old child but there it is, I think I’m jealous of Suri Cruise. I know, I know, her mother looks like slowly deflating Stepford Wife quietly giving up the will to live and her Dad is a “rumoured to be” repressed homosexual who believes we descended from aliens but have you seen her wardrobe? Her daily outfits are now carefully detailed on fashion blogs online and Armani is her official designer- she is three! She also attends weekly dance, art and music lessons and is learning two foreign languages. This is the child whose first baby picture was taken by Annie Lebowitz and made the front cover of “Vanity Fair”. Who on earth is the poor girl going to play with? She certainly puts my weekly Irish dancing classes in the shade. No wonder my ceili / hip hop fusion career never took off.Nevermind. They say everything happens for a reason-. I disagree using the Jewish Holocaust and the career of Amanda Holden as my example. What is the point of Amanda Holden? I don’t mean her as a human being; she could conceivably be less annoying in real life, I mean, what is the point of her career and especially her role as a talent judge on “Britain’s got Talent”? It’s like Heather Mills being a judge on “Britain’s got an Amicable Divorce”. Much kerfuffle has been made of the discovery of an unattractive woman over the age of forty with a good singing voice. The episode Susan Boyle appeared in started as any other, clown music played as she walked on stage, Simon Cowell openly sneereing when she expressed a wish to be a professional singer, the camera panning to gangs of teenage girls giggling at her audacity- so far so normal prime time family television. Then it was discovered that she was actually a good singer and the shows producers decided to treat her like a human being. It’s ok to publicly humiliate untalented people for our entertainment but not ones that can sing. The hypocrisy of the judges swift U- turn, falling over themselves to claim that they were the one’s rooting for her when the audience had been sneering was almost awe inspiring. Matched only by the monkey goons Ant and Dec, cheering her on, when if she missed a high note would have been pulling faces behind her back. If you must endure this violation of everything your Mother told you was wrong here’s a survival tip. Every time there’s a shot of a child singing, and the camera cuts to Amanda simperingly holding back tears, take a shot of something very alcoholic yourself. This is to remind us- she’s a Mum herself remember, bless her, by the end of the show you’ll be so blotto, you’ll be gushing at what a sweetheart she is. Give yourself enough alcohol induced brain damage and you’ll have the right IQ to sit through this rubbish. Am I being too hard? Lot’s of people enjoy the show. Here’s a tip If you are one of these number why not after the show invite Piers, Simon, Ant and Dec and Amanda, all the gang!, around have a few beers and then go urinate on a tramp. Just make sure they have no discernible show biz skills and you should be all right. Britain may have talent but whether it has any decency left is still up for question.

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