I love making expressions I do...

I love making expressions, sad faces, happy faces, bemused but in a wry way faces, I guess it’s something I just take for granted; I think we all do. So spare a thought this week for Lil’ Kylie Minouge a woman who hasn’t been able to move her face since the Conservatives were last in government. Do you remember how your Mam warned you not to pull a face in case the wind changed and you stayed like that? Well, instead of beinga slightly creepy story to confuse children, that turned out to be the former Neighbours star’s sinister fate. About ten years ago Ms. Minouge pulled a vacant, waxen, simperingly bland face and has remained unchanged ever since. I had thought the secret to her eternal beauty was a portrait rotting in her attic, but that contorted face riddled with sin and decadence just turned out to be Jason Donovan. So what is her secret? Is she actually a Greek Goddess imperious to the flow of time, a vampire or maybe just a figment of our collective imagination? Sadly, none of those things instead Kylie shocked the nation by revealing she has used Botox . I know. I haven’t been so surprised since Jodie Foster came out of the closet and Hugh Grant admitted to being English.The woman uses so much botox she is fast turning into a boiled egg in a wig. Imagine how annoying it must be buying her a present, you would never be able to tell if she liked it or not. You’d be forced to shout frustrated into her immobile, blinking face as she unwrapped the Ugg boots you’d qued hours to get “Describe your feelings Kylie, describe your feelings!”Although, I’m sure being unable to move your face has its advantages. If the showbiz world should ever abandon Kylie and her equally waxen sister Dannii, they could always turn into the world’s best poker playing team ever- Do they have four aces or are they bluffing? You would literally be not able to tell. Or perhaps they could use their enigmatic visages to negotiate hostage situations or broker peace deals in the Middle East. It could be that Kylie has sacrificed the ability to ever show an emotion again for world peace. I knew Charlene would turn out good in the end.I read somewhere that if you ever wanted to bond with a woman you’d just met, all you had to do was mention Keira Knightly and you’d both has something in common. Women hate Keira Knightly, hate her, which is weird as hatred is a strong emotion and she’s only an actress after all. If you were to wander into a crowded ladies toilet and bring up the subject of suicide bombers or Myra Hindley, after being escorted from the nightclub and sneaking back in, you’d probably get some voices of compassion or reluctant defence, If however you were to bring up The Pirates of the Caribbean star I guarantee you would get a unanimous wail of agreement that she was the most irritating, annoying person to ever sully the silver screen, with some girls even vomitting to make their point. What is it about her that makes women want to pull “uggh” faces? I’m sure she even makes Kylie’s face slightly move. Is it the smug pout, the shrill voice, the jutting chest bones that seem to gloat at her ability to live beyond food and your inability to do likewise? Or is it because she reminds you of every over achieving, unfriendly, most of my friends are boys because girls are just jealous of me, teenage girl who made secondary school such a misery? Whatever their motivation, Keira is just not a girl’s girl. Considering, she is the celebrity most women claim they’d love to give good slap; she is an interesting choice for the new campaign against domestic violence on our TV screen’s at the moment. In the advertisements to raise awareness about violence against women, she plays a successful actress who is violently beaten by her boyfriend. We tend to like our victims as likeable and cute, like Little Mo from Eastenders, but since domestic violence affects one in four women, chances are even some of the girls the girls you can’t stand are affected too. Women like Keira and Sienna Miller and all the other women we meet everyday that we feel we’re encouraged to dislike. With two women dying every week from domestic abuse, maybe there’s enough hatred against women in the world without women turning on each other. Even Keira pouty face Knightly...Which is why it’s nice to end on some good news. Colleen Mcloughlan is with child. The wife of Wayne Rooney (apparently he plays football) is expecting the couple’s first child. After weeks of quite glum showbiz news, it’s nice to have some good news for a change. Rumours are circulating that Kylie herself might act as the child’s godmother- she’s said to be thrilled. Well, her faced twitched for a bit anyway…