Thursday, 14 May 2009

The End of Camelot?

The celeb business is a lot like the porn industry- women rule the roost. It’s very rare to come across any story with a male celeb as its lead. Sure, we have famous male actors and singers but we’re not interested in their private life and to express one seems shallow and demeaning to everybody involved. Take for example, Westlife. I couldn’t care less about them, a feeling shared by most of the population. I know so little about their private life for all I know, they may not actually exist, they may be slightly realistic holograms or ghosts that died one hundred years ago. If a member of Westlife got lynched in a forest, would anyone notice or care? Yet, Girls Aloud, their nearest female alternative, I know almost if not better than my only family. The nights I have tossed and turned over poor Cheryl’s latest heartache, the grey dawn that has spread through my window to find me huddled over a cooling cup of coffee wondering whether Sarah was partying too hard, well I don’t care to mention. If you were to show the same attention to male celebs people would think you were mad. Paris Hilton, it’s OK to camply love, Calum Best? people would genuinely question your ability to cross roads. When we do show some interest in the male of the species it’s usually only in relation to the female he has wronged- Jude Law, or Brad Pitt- they’re the subplot never the main star. We love “celebs” be cause they’re messed up, vulnerable but those adjectives only seem to work on women. That’s why we cared about Kerry Katona but not Brian Harvey, why there are no male Jades and unfortunately for Peter Andre, no male Jordan.Where were you when you heard the news? I was tidying my bedroom when the fairytale ended, the dream died, the Swarovski crystal shattered. To the newsreader it was just the divorce of Katie Price and Peter Andre but for a million OK readers, it was the end of Camelot. Call me a romantic, but their sheer awfulness as a couple made me root for them even more. So they met on a reality TV show and sold the story of their relationship before they had even met each others parents but, well, you never know?! There was the matching tans, the matching day glow teeth, their shared love of baring their chests; they had so much in common. Why couldn’t they make it work? It was great; every minor anniversary had at least an OK pull out special and they seem to renew their vows as often as most people checked their face book. Maybe the the camera and TV production crew that followed their every movement had something to do with their demise. Like a small tudor court, the couple were followed and recorded from first date to last slammed door. I’m fascinated by what the last epidsode of their never ending TV series will be? Pete pottering round the house on his own to aqward silence? Newly single Katie’s first desperate night out with the girls? Who will gain custody of the camera crew? Will they divide the kingdoms of “OK” and “Hello” between them? Like the end of any relationship, it’s the unanswered questions that sting.Unfortunately, it was the weird wacky world of “celeb” that did them in the end. Peter was a brave pioneer, ahead of his time in so many ways, in that, without any music career or prospects of one, he swam in the female dominated river of famous for being famous. He could never out Jordan, she would always be the star, he always her “and Peter”. Reports say that it was this living in her shadow that derailed their marriage. If it’s true I genuinely feel sorry for Katie, she but another victim of the “Barbra Streisand Syndrome” where men love the idea of strong women but quickly grow weary of relationships with them. Peter had to choose between his ego and love and unfortunately, his ego in all is orange day glow glory won.Maybe he should go out with Amy Winehouse next. While Katie runs marathons and raises a disabled son, poor Amy can’t even stand up straight. At her semi- official “come back” gig recently Ms. Backcomb herself struggled through her set before abandoning it halfway through. Looking fierce in high heels and a killer dress, the vulnerable star put the aborted gig down to technical difficulties. I think by that she means she technically can’t stop pouring alcohol down her throat. Her ex husband however, is getting over the break up by getting a fellow resident at his rehab facility pregnant. Blake Fielder- Civil, famous for marrying Amy and various assault charges is now sober and an expectant Dad, while Amy, responsible for probably the greatest soul record of her generation is destroying herself with alchol. Sod Peter, I want Katie and Amy together. I think, and mean this is as the highest compliment to them both, they deserve each other.

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