Thursday, 14 May 2009

Fearne Cotton must die

Love is a tricky thing especially if you’re internationally famous, incredibly beautiful and most dangerous of all; in possession of a heart with fully functioning emotions and feelings- to love or not to love? , that is the question. (I’m having a Carrie Bradshaw moment..)Giving that question some serious thought is everybody’s favourite ex- heroin addict Pete Doherty. He seems to be having second, third and possibly fourth thoughts about dumping his ex, the fragrant Ms. Moss. Lyrics on his recent album, suggest he hasn’t quite got over the lovely Kate, despite splitting up with her over two years ago. “I miss your face, I miss the places, what happened to her? what happened to me? Everytime I lie on the pillow, I cry…” Oh dear, I have visions of Pete drinking Pino Grigot by himself drunkenly warbling along to Celine Dion. Reportedly, given an ultimation by the super model to choose drugs or her, Pete went for the former option and now, suprise, suprise seems to be regretting it. Since their split Kate has launched a sell out Topshop line, her own fragrance and is happily dating Kills front man James Hince. Pete, however has been faring less successfully. His band, Babyshambles, have failed to live up to their initial hype, with very disappointing record sales and a reunion with ex- Libertines bandmate Carl Barat planned for the summer. While this will, no doubt, thrill fans, its further evidence that he is unable to cut it alone, musically or romantically. He was visibly frustrated in a recent interview on Irish Tv, when the interviewer seemed more interested in his ex girlfriend than his new album. Aren’t we all Pete? What a sickner for him, it’s hard enough having the nagging feeling that maybe, you let someone go you shouldn’t have, without the entire world, nodding their head in “What were you thing bruv?” agreement. As for Kate, ensconced in her Cotwolds country retreat with her new adoring man, I’m sure even a world famous beauty gets a little thrill, when an ex realises they have made a terrible mistake.Giving love another go is TV presenter and all around annoying person, TV presenter and Radio 1 DJ Fearne Cotton. Cotton is what would happen if the sound of over excited teenage girls on the back of a bus and Hitler Youth ever got drunk and had a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I adore over enunciated words, strangulated sentences and endless, mindless, continuous, never ending babblings of a moron as much as the next person. I relish the shrill enthusiasm for everything, everything that is that 90% of the audience is guaranteed to agree with- “What’s that Fearne?- you like, totally like The Beatles at the moment- wow, me too!” and the insincere self conscious admissions of inadequacy, but in a really cute way, of things she is bad at. Who doesn’t love hearing how an obviously extremely ambitious, confident, canny person is like totally rubbish at so many things?! “What’s that Fearne, you walked into a tree yesterday? What are you like?!”I’m not saying Fearne Cotton is the fourth horseman of the apocalypse, and her continued steely deadeyed success is proof that the end is nigh, I just wouldn’t be that surprised if it turned out to be the case. Oh yes, she’s got back together with her boyfriend. I knew there was a point there. She enjoyed a “summer of love” (or a few fumbles after too much drinking in the sun to you and me...) with E4 ladies man Steve Jones last year but is now happily back with her skateboarder boyfriend Jessie Jenkins. After breaking up due to work pressures a year ago the couple are giving it another go. Harbinger of the end or not, we’ve our fingers crossed for you Fearney.Deciding not to bother is newly single, old man botherer Lily Allen. In a recent interview she describes how as a teenager she was ”so insecure and felt like I couldn't make friends. I totally felt 'everyone hates me and I need to prove myself'” Lily hasn’t had much luck lately. Apart from a brief fling with fiftly year old art dealer Jay Jopling, she hasn’t had anybody in her life since her split with Ed from The Chemical Brothers. The couple broke up after the traumatic miscarriage of their child. So instead on men, Lily is concentrating on her career, her bestselling new album and the new tour planned to promote it. ‘I’m in that mindset where I realise I’m going to be so busy for the next two years. 'Even if I was to meet someone, I don’t have the time.’ Lilly Allen we applaud you. If Pete Doherty rings wanting to “collaborate” (or in your case, his Dad) run for the hills.

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