Gráinne's Biography soon to be released

When a celebrity announces they are writing their autobiography, I can usually just about summon up the interest to appear vaguely irritated and that’s it. It amounts to the same level of energy I use for boiling a kettle or taking a sticker of an apple or scratching my arse.Not so with everybody’s favourite “I sold my soul when I was seventeen and I’m never getting it back” Britney Spears. She is reportedly been offered £10 million for her take on her turbulent life, two failed marriages, mental breakdown and glittering pop comeback. It won’t be the book we want of course, we want to hear about awkward teenage sex with Justin Timberlake and entire pages of defaced Christina Aguilera photos, instead I imagine there’ll be lots about learning and personal growth – yawn.Maybe she can get help from her mother who also brought out a Britney book (Through the Storm, A real story of Fame and Family in a tabloid world), where she described in tender motherly detail her daughter’s intimate secrets and painful battles with early stardom. What I loved about the tome was the smug “I’m just a normal Mom” picture that blazoned its front cover. No wonder poor Britney lost touch with ground control for a while. Imagine all those wincing conversations your mother has with you auntie on the phone where she rattled out all your recent personal toings and goings (craftily turning towards the wall at the really intimate bits) now imagine, that wasn’t your Aunt Susan on the phone, it was a writer from a publishing company about to bring out another book about how you’ve gone nuts. I think Britney would be entirely justified in calling her own book “My Story, subtitle, why my family are a bunch of soulless parasitic wankers”.Meanwhile everybody’s favourite collection of borrowed body parts, Jordan ( Being Jordan, Jordan, A Whole New World, Being Jordan Illustrated Edition, Jordan Pushed to the Limit)is causing uproar again. In an interview to promote her take over of America ( It seems like a fair deal to me, they did invade Afghanistan unprovoked after all) revealed political opinions that fell slightly between a quite rightwing conservative and Pol Pot.The Brighton glamour model called for rapists to be raped and the return of the death penalty. What I find interesting, is that considering most of her interviews are for men’s magazines or gossip rags, how on earth did topics like that come up in the conversation? Was she asked “So Jordan, what do you really like in a man?” and she replied “ Oh, I do love a no nonsense attitude to serious crime...and a huge cock” Or did a woman’s magazine ask her how she stayed so slim and she revealed “ Lot’s of water and then tracking down and hunting suspected kiddy fiddlers in my area”.There really is no one like Jordan, a woman who has turned female sexuality into a business and removed any vestige of sexiness, mystery or attractiveness from it. Her pragmatic, unstoppable, dead eyed ambition has seen her coldly buy bigger boobs, hair, change her face and teeth and generally do the amount of DIY on herself, most teenage boys do on their first car. Her cold, hard body is like a successful franchise business she’s invested in. While earlier sex symbols such as Marilyn Monroe, were happy to play up to the loveable airhead in interviews, understanding that that was, regrettably, as much part of their appeal as a nice smile, Jordan has all the charisma of a line manager that won’t give you time off work. When she monotonously lists all wild sex she enjoys with her husband she sounds weirdly like Gareth from “The Office” bragging about his TA exercises. Mmm. Sexy, indeed.While Jordan bought Jordan to become famous, other celebs just sell their private lives to keep themselves in the papers. There’s a line in Sylvia Plath’s “The Bell Jar” where a pretty girl keeps checking her reflection in passing shop windows, worried that if she doesn’t see her own face, she doesn’t exist. I can only presume that is how Geri Halliwell( If Only, Just for The Record)views getting her picture in tabloids. The former Spice girl has a new boyfriend. Now most of us would be vaguely insulted if the idea that we could snag a man was headline news, but not Old Ginger, as she has been selling stories of her new relationship with Italian Fabrizio Politi as if her desperate little life depended on it. They have been spotted smooching at parties, going for walks in the park, shopping holding hands, all in the romantic company of the gentleman of the paparazzi. Now, I knowwhat you're thinking, hang on, it’s not Ms. Halliwell’s fault if the press won’t leave her alone, if they’re hounding her for a picture, she can’t spend her life in doors, glamorous Italian boyfriend or no glamorous Italian boyfriend. But, come on, she’s hardly Paris Hilton (Confessions of a Heiress, A Tongue in Chic Peek behind the Pose), we don’t see daily pictures of Baby Spice with her partner and I can barely remember what Mel C even looks like anymore . But then, Geri stopped having a personal life a long time ago. After she left the Spice Girls, she was famous for being thin and then famous for being friends with George Michael, then famous forgetting pregnant and now for getting a boyfriend. What a truly talented and special lady she is.How soon before in a last desperate burst for attention, she suddenly remembers those little boys she accididentily murdered and buried somewhere in the Yorkshire Moors. The Sunday Mirror could do a pull out special where she tries to find their graves looking windswept, penitent, but still the cheeky charmer we knew from her Wannabee days.I’m finishing this article now, as I’m about to become famous for brushing my own teeth. I might write a book about my experience. “Gráinne Maguire, Lies, Madness, Toothpaste and me”. Any offers publishers?(Publishers would like to announce the release of Mrs. Maura Maguire’s book “My Disappointment, What it’s like to have a fucking idiot as a daughter”. Available at all good bookshops from Monday)