Friday, 5 June 2009

Lesbian for attentshiun..(really try and you can make that rhyme)

Following complaints Simon Cowell has announced that there would be serious changes to next year’s “Britain’s got Talent” format. They have decided, due to lack of public interest, to scrap the “talent” section of the show and focus on the part that has caught the public’s imagination, character assassination. Ten random people will be picked for their ability to interest and pander to the public’s smug good opinion of itself, built up by the media and then torn apart by the tabloids. It will be a bit like a Soviet Russia show trial but with added Ant and Dec. Whoever makes the public feel better about themselves at the end wins and the entire series will be sponsored by the Priory clinic. Ha ha ha.

As I write Susan Boyle is in still in residential treatment following the show’s life final. Named as the favourite to win after her show stopping first audition, the public no longer saw her as the show’s underdog and quickly lost interest in her. She was popular when the public felt they were showing how compassionate, idiosyncratic and original they were in rooting for her, but when everybody liked her the joke wore a bit thin. The change in public opinion was summed up in a message left under the You tube clip of her performance in the final; dressed in a gorgeous glamorous dress and with a new hair do, Susan just “wasn’t the woman we fell in love with anymore”. The British public didn’t want a confident middle aged woman getting a second chance at life, they wanted a freak with big eyebrows that they could patronise and feel sorry for. She was a bit like the slow girl at primary school that the popular girl on a whim decides is actually really nice, but then dumps just as quickly when she turns up at her house. Newspapers claimed she began to crack up the week before the final, unable to sleep, eat and having imaginary conversations with her cat on the phone. Although in Susan’s defence, I’d probably fake conversation with a kitten to avoid making small talk with Amanda Holden –sorry, hold that thought Mandy, I really need to take this , Mr. Whiskers has been going through a lot of shit at the moment… I’ve said it before but Amanda Holden as a judge on “Britain’s got Talent” is like North Korean President Kim Jong II being a judge on “The Country it’s be a right laugh to live next door to!”. Producers realised that Boyle wasn’t handling the success very well, when she told a gaggle of journalists that were hassling her to bugger off and after coming second announced she “bloody hated” the show. Again, in her defence, that sounds like a woman finally seeing sense rather than cracking up.

Also speaking her mind is Gossip singer Beth Ditto. The Texan has hit out at American songstress Katy Perry, accusing her of exploiting lesbian culture with her 2008 hit- “I kissed a girl and I liked”. Wow, Katy, how shocking, kissing a girl?! But you are a girl? This is blowing my mind. You, an attractive girl next door pop star are subverting the medias perception of you, undermining patriarchal societies assumptions about female sexuality and introducing lesbian identity as a mainstream force in popular culture, rather than a token projection of male fantasies. What’s that Katie? You hope your boyfriend doesn’t mind? So, you have a boyfriend then. So, you’re not actually lesbian at all, you’re just pretending to be a little bit gay in order to keep his attention for a while because, you don’t want to lose him, as you can’t bare the thought of being single and are willing to do anything, even appropriate an entire culture that has fought for centuries for respect and equal rights in order to keep your man and get a tiny scrap of attention. Drunk, numbly snogging your confused best friend in the corner of a sticky nightclub as you desperately scan the room to see if Derek is noticing while your heart sobs don’t leave me, I’ll do anything, I’ll try dogging next week if you want, don't leaaave meee!… You go girl! Why not for a follow up single “I went to a Mosque and I liked it” or “I used a wheelchair and I liked it”…but sexy! or just go the whole hog and black up. She could use the whole of black histories struggle for equal rights as a way to desperately get her straying boyfriend to notice her for a bit. I can’t wait to hear about it- oh, sorry Katie, I’ve got a phonecall, it’s Mr. Whiskers again, sorry I’m going to have to take this…

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