Gordon Ramsey is a cock

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a lazy writer in need of a good opening line can always rely on a bit of Austen. Luckily for me, it also a truth universally acknowledged that a celebrity in need of some publicity is also in need of a good celebrity scrap, so that’s alright then
. From the first nudge lining up for nursery to the full blown Venetian court of intrigue that is secondary school, a bit of "did you hear what she said about you" a little drop of "I shouldn’t say this but" has always been relished. It’s natural, it’s healthy, it’s good. That’s why I cheered at news that "rivals" Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minouge are to be reunited for the next series of "X Factor" with pay disputes adding fuel to the acrylic fire. Dannii has reportedly only signed for the next show if she got paid the same amount as the Girls Aloud star and Cheryl is reportedly fuming that her social inferior is earning as much her. Watching them fight over their relative status is endearing, like watching two toddlers scrap over a favourite blanket. Since their role on the show seems to be nodding blankly and trying to look concerned at the sad bits, I’m surprised they don’t just pay them their bus travel and lunch in the canteen. Has anybody in the entire history of the planet ever lost sleep wondering what Dannii Minouge thinks of them and I include Dannii’s family and ex husband in this, let alone considered her pearls of wisdom worth a reported half a million pounds? There are judges in Texas that don’t earn that and they have the power to give the death penalty. Actually maybe, that is the excitng new change to the format Simon Cowell has been hinting act. I can see it now, Cheryl, blinking back the tears as she reveals "Sorry, I love you but I’m going to have to put you down babes" as the contestant slowly walks towards the lethal injection room with Leona Lewis belting out "Run" in the background, I would watch that.
Of course, I hope that they genuinely do loath each other rather than it being another dreary publicity stunt and way of pitching women against each other yet again. Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell can work together and be mates but whenever two women are in the room together we assume they’re plotting each others down fall like bad Jackie Collins characters, It’s reported that the show’s producers are terrified of the pair bumping into each other behind the scenes. That’s right, not worried, not a bit concerned that it might be a bit wierd, they live in actual terror of such an event unfurling. Much like the simmering tension of the Cuban Missile crisis, or maybe the knawing forboding of trench live in World War One, that’s what X Factor producers live with every time these two women enter the same building. Age shall not waery them , or years condemn, those brave brave media men and women.
However, if there is a genuine Alexis Colby/ Krystal Carrington style malevolence between the two I demand to see that on air. Cut the boring singing bit and just have lots of shots of the girls tapping their acrylic nails and glaring at each other. Or maybe they could have their own ITV2 costume drama spin off series where they could sit stiffly beside each other like two Oscar Wilde heroines, but with better tans, trading witty barbs while delicately drinking tea. "When I see a spade, I call it a spade Cheryl" "Well when I see it a spade, I telll it how amazing I think it is Dannii" They could call it "The Importance of Being Orange".
Speaking of Australia (because we were just then kind of for a minute…stay with me) Gordon Ramsey has been causing a stir down under after a misguided attack on Tracey Grimshaw, one of the countries most respected broadcasters. After appearing on her show to publicise his tour, he launched a vicious and bizarre attack , comparing her to a pig and suggesting she was a lesbian. Refreshingly for a place that is often portrayed as what would happen if a can of Foster mutated into a country, the response was distinctly unimpressed. Akin to some foreigner arriving on our shores and slagging off dear Fern Britton (even with her endless weight loss stories ,you’ve lost weight, we get it,stop talking about it ,my brain hurts) the country rose up with such anger that the countries Prime Minister issued a statement defending her and condemning the TV chefs remarks. Which is wonderful, akin to Gordon Brown arriving at Fern’s doorstep and bowing "Madam, Recent Celeb magazines have gone too far, I fear you have been insulted, you have my sword my Lady". The lady in question responded by voicing her surprise since when she interviewed him, she never mentioned his alleged affair, the dodgy lies in his recent auto biography or his recent bankruptcy, thus neatly publicising all those very same things. Moronic Ramsey issued a swift apology, game, set, match, I would think. The message being, when it comes to a war of words, mess with an angry woman at your peril, something Jane Austen knew, Cheryl and Dannii know and Gordon Ramsey is slowly finding out.