Say what you like about being dead but it’s a great way of moving on. As we gently shuffle off this mortal coil and finally register for that great social networking site in the sky, it was assumed that all our old problems were left behind. That is unless you’re connected to Jade Goody in which case, there are still scores to be settled, OK magazine spreads to fill, and digital TV programmes to record. That’s right, thanks to a “loving” Living TV special, recorded with a renowned TV psychic and Jade’s mum Jackiey clutching the very dressing gown she died in, we now have the latest update from the Big Brother star. Could Jade please come to the diary room one last time?
What did she have to say from her lofty position? A message for world peace? The meaning of life? The real reason behind the Katie/ Peter split? No, that Jack Tweed was a cheat, a bad’un and she wished she never married him and that her Mum had been right about everything. It certainly gives us a whole new terrifying vision of the after life, an everlasting dimension where your husband could still be really getting on your nerves. The psychic claimed that Jack’s philandering with glamour models so soon after her death was upsetting the immortal soul of Miss Goody. Jade wailed from beyond the grave that she should have listened to her Mum and that marrying him was the biggest mistake of her life. So, the “respected” TV psychic would rather ruin the memory of the 27 year old’s final happy days by claiming she was celestially shredding her wedding gown, rather than let her rest in peace? In her wedding pictures, the poor girl seemed genuinely happy, but instead they've decided to ruin those perfect memories by suggesting that Jade was now reassessing their relationship over some heavenly double G and Ts. We all suspected he wasn’t exactly Clark Gable but luckily Jade never saw it and she died without having to see the kiss and tells that were as inevitable as trash TV like this. It’s hard to deny Jade’s Mum her anger, the twenty two year old’s latest shenanigans have been insensitive bordering on the mentally retarded, Call me over romantic, but wearing the suit you first wore when you married your now dead wife for a night out on the pull, is at best a bit stupid at worst callous. Doesn’t he own any other clothes? There’s the alleged txt message to glamour girls charmingly asking if they want to “rump” and nights out at “Faces” night club in Essex, a kind of Wags Jerusalem. Jade you can do better. Surely there are some nice men in heaven you could turn to?
Don’t worry readers, if you find this all a bit confusing, maybe the book Jade’s Mum is bringing out soon, inspired by these sessions, will clarify things. Because grieving mum Jackiey is being helped through by not only her management team, a TV production company but a publishing house as well, eager to celebrate Jade’s memory in the most tasteful and lucrative way possible. You see that’s respectful Jack, you could learn a lot from them.
If you were to find the exact opposite of Jade Goody it would be Megan Fox, startlingly beautiful but with all the personality and humour of an unfair parking ticket. The woman manages to make being a bisexual starlet seem boring. She’s been labelled as the next Angelina Jolie mainly because she’s got brown hair and lips that look like they’re planning to take over the rest of her face. Her contribution to the screen so far is “Transformers” but calling yourself an actress because you’ve appeared in a film that bad is a bit like claiming you’re a Grand Prix driver because you walked by a car accident once.
She was until recently engaged to former 90210 star Brain Austen Green. I love Brian because he reminds me of a simpler showbiz time. Do you remember; the nineties? When all a young starlet needed was a babydoll dress and a nice new flowery hat, before size zero models and actresses checking into rehab because all their tattoos had exploded. The engagement is off and Megan will date other people, while Brian cannot. This is to allow her time to figure out what she wants, what she needs of course is a swift kick up the arse. Oh Brian, you don’t need this nonsense, you went out with Tiffany Amber Thiessan for crying out loud, the pretty one from Saved by the Bell, you brought Hip Hop to 90210, forget Enimen, you were the first great white rapper. What would Dylan do Brian, what would Dylan do?