There are three signs that something is no longer cool, Firstly if your Mam knows about it, and secondly if part of that trend is on sale at a family department store. It was during the school holidays of 1992, my mother attempted to buy a pair of smiley face adorned Eclipse baggy jeans from Primark, the uniform of every self respecting raver in my town thus, in one mindless action, ruining dance music for me for ever. I would never look at Two Unlimited in the same way again. I was reminded of that feeling of embarrassment and confused rage when Dave Cameron made his appearance on Christian O’ Connell’s radio show recently. The leader of the opposition faced this formidable broadcaster, seen by many as the next Jeremy Paxman, if everybody in the world suddenly died, for what was sure to be a battle of wits; come on, we’d all seen the grilling O’Connell had given David Hasselhoff. It turns out the Eton educated Tory leader knows exactly how the people feel, we’re pissed off with politicians, Twitter is well whack and people who twittered too much were twats, yeah get me bruv? Yes that’s right, he swore on radio! He cares so much about young people today he just let rip, went crazy and showed us the real Dave,Street Dave. Wow, he’s mad, bonkers even, I bet he even listens to Dizee Rascal on his ipod and thinks, that’s right Dizee, I’m just trying to lead parliament, ain’t nothing crazy about me. And in that moment her ruined swearing for me, forever, because that’s the third sign that something is no longer relevant, when a politician does it in an attempt to appear cool to younger voters. Blair did it with Britpop and now Cameron has done it with an entire way of speech. Thanks Dave. What will be next in his attempt to patronise, I mean appeal to young voters? Is he going to rename the opposition, the Conservative Brethren? Referto his constituency as his manor? Threaten to knife Gordon Brown during Parliamentary Questions? Thanks Dave, you’ve just made knife crime un cool as well, thanks.
But then, no one likes getting older. Not anybody over eighteen anyway but until recently it wasn’t a fireable offence. Or so Arlene Philips would have assumed until the Strictly Come Dancing judge got booted of the BBC show for the unforgivable sin of not being dead, the only alternative to getting older that I know of. The sixty six year old dance veteran has been replaced by last year’s winner Aleisha Dixon, which is a bit like Simon Cowell being replaced by Ray Quinn. Being a woman on television nowadays is like a cross between “Logans’ Run”, where everybody over the age of thirty is killed and HG Wells “The Time Machine” where the world has split into frolicking lovelies swanning about above ground and ugly trolls toiling underneath. In TV’s case, they’re either bland blondes simpering into auto cues or old hags popping up every now and then on Loose Women. This week has also seen Jo Whiley, respected music journalist, replaced from her mid week slot by Fearne Cotton, whose knowledge of music extends as far as having met some at a party. That’s right, Fearne probably brags about having met some music at a party. I think Old Father Time herself, forty four year old Jo should take advantage of her androgynous name and continue presenting the show with a deeper voice; it could buy her another five years at least.
But at least she’s not Jessica Simpson, spare a thought for the poor girl. Go on any thought. Even if it’s “Oh, I think it's going to rain again”. The poor girl’s been given the heave ho, the old elbow, been let go from her relationship with her most recent beau, American football star Tony Romo, the day before her 29th birthday. The big bash, which had been given a Barbie and Ken theme, had to be swiftly cancelled when it emerged that Barbie was now facing the world alone. The reason given for the split was txt messages from Jess’ ex John Mayer found on her mobile. That’s the same John who Jennifer Aniston dumped because of his constant twittering. John Mayer is a bit of an enigma, not really known outside of the US, he is a respected and talented musician yet mainly known for dumping gorgeous women empirically out of his league. One wonders where he finds the time for music with all the heartbreaking and general abuse of modern technology he seems to get up too. Let’s hope John Mayer never finds out that Dave’s been up too, insulting his beloved twitter. He’d either thump him, or worse get Dave to fall madly in love with him and then dump him cruelly and publically. Be careful Dave, you don’t want young people’s vote that much.