Team Price

Is Katie Price, the next Princess Diana? I know we thought it was Jade Goody was for a while and then we got all distracted by Jacko for a bit but I think this might be the one. There were definitely echoes of that famous Martin Bashir interview on Saturday when Katie issued her personal message to her people, like a modern day missive from St.Katie to the Corinthians; and the Lord said you should never cry over a man. Whereas Diana fluttered from under her navy eyelashes, Katie, eyes lacquered like some ageless She Who Must Be Obeyed stared straight at Piers Morgan like he was fly and she was feeling peckish. Diana just had three in her marriage, Katie and Pete had an entire production crew.

Times have changed though, at least Bashir, unlike Morgan didn’t ask Diana to defend her self from the label “slapper”, licking him lips as he savoured the word, like an old drunk slowly eating a bacon sandwich. Who even uses words like that anymore? He presumably means the type of skantily clad women tabloid editors like Morgan fill their newspapers with. Look at her wearing the clothes that she knows we find sexy, and a mother of three - she’s a mother and a whore, I’m confused, I hate her, I want her- ahh – Mum!

And wither now for Pete?-in love with Katie but unable to live with Jordan. He has been seen out and about with fellow zeleb Chantelle Houghton of Celeb Big Brother “fame”. The fact that Peter and Chantelle share the same agent and Chantelle is attempting to relaunch herself, is I’m sure a happy coincidence. You’d think post her marriage to Preston, the ex- Paris Hilton look alike would have had enough of selling her soul for a photo shoot in Now magazine, but old habits, it seem, die hard. Chantelle has been hailed as the next Jordan so it makes sense that she would inherit him. If theirs is a genuine meeting of minds then I’m the real mother of Michael Jackson kids. She’s given an interview denying the romance, where she poses in her undies, so you know she really means it; nothing says sincerity like visible bra straps. The magazine editors have been canny enough to get her to pose in white underwear though, so that means she’s the good one. It could be worse Peter, I think your agent represents Calumn Best as well, so count your blessings. Katie, Chantelle, Peter, it’s like “All About Eve” sponsored by Nuts magazine, although if Katie Price promised everyone a bumpy night, it would sound more like a sexual threat than a witty one liner.

The lady herself has just returned from a holiday in Ibiza amidst talk that her drunken shenanigans, desperate need for a new bloke and general bad behaviour could cost her millions in advertising revenue and possibly custody of her children. It certainly puts your last Saturday night escapades in perspective doesn’t it? The papers didn’t explain how a recently dumped mother of three should take her very public rejection but I’m sure we’d all love to know. Katie’s problem is that she comes from a generation of women bred to act like they don’t care. Her’s was the first to experience the joys of alcopops, laddettes, drink till you vomit and then collapse underneath somebody, as long as you don’t act like you care then that’s ok. Independence, self reliance, indifference your only defence from a world that you had already decided didn’t care. Kate has been labelled cold, nasty, and cruel to Peter. She always struck me as someone terrified by how much she actually needed him. What is she to do, a woman who proudly wears her toughness like an armour of orange fake tan, when the man that finally sees the real Katie, pale vulnerable and real, rejects her?

Her questionable revelations about a recent miscarriage may stick in my women’s throat as an ugly attempt to counsel sympathy, or the desperate act of a woman wanting to be seen as a person rather than a tabloid sentence. Even her monotone description of her heartbreak seemed hollow. We didn’t want to see her glowing and groomed, we wanted snot, messy hair, why did he leave me sobs, not cold defiant self confidence. Like Kate McCann had learned before her, we like our heroines vulnerable. Katie Price isn’t nice, she’s far from sweet and her attacks on Pete; the bitter swipes and accusations, have all the necessary ugliness of survival. Because make no mistake, unlike that other Princess, the coy vulnerable victim that demurely batted away the tears, this one will most definitely survive.