Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Reality is overrated

It must be great being a celeb; free stuff, being able to get away with murder, figuratively and literally and best of all, completely unsolicited advice from other famous people you’ve never met. I can’t count the amount of times in moments of difficulty; I wished I was important enough for Nikki from Big Brother to mention me her weekly column. How reassuring it must be for Sandra Bullock or Nicole Kidman, as they flick through the glossies under a dryer at the hairdressers, to know that at least Alex Curran cares and is well gutted about their recent problems.

Thankfully, with the wonders of modern networking sites, celebs are no longer limited to gossip periodicals to address their nation. Thanks to the wonder of Twitter, a direct line to the masses has been installed for the entire showbiz family. Demi Moore can castigate Kim Kardashian for her use of the term “pimping”, Kirstie Alley can dispense diet advice, Perez Hilton can insult everyone, while the rest of us, their digital privy council, can follow their tweets, hung over at work and trying to look like we’re busy. The general rule of thumb is you can say whatever you like as long as you put LOL at the end.

Twitter is the ultimate form of expression for Generation Text; take the most intimate observations and in jokes usually reserved for those nearest and dearest and share them with the entire online planet. Perfect for an age bracket that only feels alive if they’ve been retweeted. We have evolved from sealed envelopes to town criers, desperate to let entire digital universe know we’ve just had a hob nob.

So a perfect platform for attention seeking and crow barred jokes, but completely ruined when some get carried away and start over sharing.( I’m lying of course, over sharing is when Twitter truly catches the light). Jim Carrey recently used his twitter account to announce the end of his seven year relationship with Jenny McCarthy and give his thoughts on the Tiger Woods saga. Defending the golf star, he argued that the sportsman had effectively sold his childhood to please his demanding Dad and that his wife must have known about his infidelity and was willing to accept it, for the financial rewards of being the wife of the world’s number one golf star.

Tiger Woods has been in a few emotional sand bunkers of late. Not only did he loose the American Masters after a distracted performance but the winner Phil Mickelson, dedicated the victory to his devoted cancer stricken wife. Despite struggling through treatment, she made a romantic, unexpected appearance to be by her husband’s side. Would you like more salt for your wounds Tiger? Yes, just in case you were wondering, the universe is having a massive laugh at your expense. The institution of marriage has taken a bashing of late: the Coles, Tiger’s shenanigans, Katie and Alex, the world of celeb seems determined to make the idea of long term commitment look as ridiculous as possible.

It was only a matter of time before the great Earth Mother of Matrimony began to let her wrath be felt and rumbling up like an avenging Boudicca ready to protect her turf, Elizabeth Taylor is preparing to walk down the aisle again. Considering she’s now confined to a wheel chair and most people vaguely thought she was already dead, you know she’s really pissed. Make no mistake, she loves getting married; she’s done it eight times, which is two ahead of Henry VIII. Her starter marriage was to a Hilton, her third husband died in a plane crash, she stole another off Debbie Reynolds, married Richard Burton twice, a US senator, a construction worker, had a diamond named after her, won two Oscars and then spent most of the nineties hanging around with Michael Jackson. She makes Lady Gaga look as exciting as The Isle of Man.

To balance out, some legends prefer the single life like TV Queen Oprah Winfrey. A recent unofficial book about the chat show star has been published claiming that Oprah has not been entirely honest about her private life. The book claims that Oprah’s early years; the almost mythically grim childhood of deprivation and abuse that inspired so many and made her incredible success all the more life affirming wasn’t quite as horrific as she suggested. It also claims that Steadman, rather than being the perfect partner ready let his lady bask in her success, is nothing but a stooge to hide her work obsessed asexuality. Which begs the question; who bloody cares? If we want the prosaic, blow by blow tedious reality we can just Google Fiona Philip’s twitter page. The public can only bare so much reality and the light is so unflattering, true stars create legends.


  1. Twitter was so much better back in the day, when only nerds knew that it existed. ;-)