Thursday, 11 February 2010

With new guest writer!

Hello darlings! I think already you’ve noticed something different this week about this charming little column. Before you even started to read it, there was something changed, something more glamorous, more exciting, more sensual, no? I confound you? I confuse you?

For that I apologise but the reason is simple my darling, The usual young lady who writes it is sick, she is sweet but she has weak Irish bones whereas I am Czechoslovakian and strong. She could not have dragged herself from a childhood in a communist state through her skiing skills alone and established herself as one of Canada’s top fur models. Could she with only her glamorous beauty have entranced New York’s most powerful businessman and torn between the husband that adored her and this new powerful stranger with the funny hair, chosen a life of sophisticated parties and international hotel finance? I bet even her Home Shopping Jewellery range would have been awful. As I said to my good friend Dame Shirley Bassey only last week, these young girls may have the unlined faces but can they design reasonably priced costume jewellery suitable for any occasion? Shirley was drunk of course, she did not care.

Have you guessed yet my darlings? Why of course you have, who else could fill that last moment with such romance and elegant passion? It is I, Ivana Trump, fresh from my wonderful stay in the British Big Brother house bringing you your showbiz news. They said to me but Ivana, how can you? You will be busy on your yacht with Michael Winner and your good friend Joan Collins? Why fax of course- I’m up to date with all the new things! Then I put my earing back in my ear, hang up and laugh.

And what fun I had. I proved to all my fans that I could be just like anyone else. I cooked. You saw that yes? I dressed myself every day. I do the cleaning and the washing. I had the fun, which I love the most. I am so glad that the Alex Reid won. It was strange because before we enter the house he seemed to be troubled by a strange puffy faced orange woman. She screamed at him because he made her very mad with his yapping and his talking. He was not allowed to say her name, make eye contact, mention her, or to talk about anything that had ever happened between them or her wrath would be very great. Then she slapped him across the face and he cry. But how wonderful to see young love triumph, as Alex left the house like a little boy who’d won a trip to Disney land because he had not much longer to live, it turns out that this angry woman was using bored disgust to hide her true love.

Like a Princess Stephanie of Monaco, if the rumours about her being a prostitute were true, she braved the flashing bulbs and camera crews just to be by his side. Now they have eloped and got married in Las Vegas with only a few witnesses and a film crew for company; it is like Romeo and Juliet, but without the missed messages and joint suicide; I hope!- fingers crossed for you guys! At the BB party afterwards I saw a sad little man in a cowboy shirt, quietly reminding people that he was married to her too for a while,but no one seemed to notice. I said to Stephanie Beacham “How sad!” but she was too drunk, she did not care.

Then we bumped into the lovely Lady Sovereign and I Slept with Ronnie Wood. Lady Sovereign she is this strange punky girl who like to make herself ugly. Why not put on a dress I ask her? Look sexy, but no she is a rapper from the projects of Wembley and she likes to look like a boy. She laugh and tell me that I know nothing and perhaps she’s right. I slept with Ronnie Wood had been taking the pictures in the underwear all day and now she not want to talk much.I understand, when I was running Trump Towers and tring to keep that bitch Marla Marples from under my cheating husband I too was fatigued. I offer to show her some moves, some tips from my modelling days, posture, over the shoulder sexy, jaunty nautical, but she, she did not care. I was too old she says and she join in the laughing.

For a moment I was sad but then out of the corner of my eye who should I see? It’s Roger Moore and he has champagne and I realise that I too am now drunk and do not care! Have a wonderful week readers. Please don’t be sad that you are not Ivana trump. I am Ivana Trump, use me for inspiration instead. Ciao!

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